I’ll be leaving HOSPIS in another week or so depending on when induction begins for me. Well I have no words to describe how I feel at the moment. Heavy hearted, devastated, miserable?? Haha.. a friend commented that I looked as if I was expecting a break up that was about to happen. No it’s really not true. Not even close to be honest.
I guess it really depends on individuals, how one cope with a break up. Some takes it bad, some will shrug it off claiming it’s not meant to be, for others what is a better excuse for a rebound anyway? But I am sure for most, it gets easier with each time. Well truthfully how many people are lucky enough to marry off their first love? I only know a few. Everytime a relationship doesn’t work out, people will claim “ well he/she just ain’t my soul mate after all”. That’s where one is very wrong. A soul mate is defined as the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with. Ok ok before I get off track (probably I’ll write a post on girl boy relationship next), so ya after a break up I’ll get this numb feeling for a couple of days. And maybe some relief. Well it does signal the end of all fights. When the week is over, you’ll freaked that you are now looking like Frankenstein’s bride and there’s so much studying to catch up with. Then you just get back into pace of things, brushing any unhappiness into the back of your mind. In a month, when parents start asking for their potential kiddo-in-law, I’ll be like “ erm.. you see.. it’s a long story..”. They’ll pretend to faint “ again???” In the lame attempt of self defense “well God wanted me to have more practice so I’ll be the perfect wife when the right one comes along”. NO I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THE SEX PART. “Are you ok, girl?”. That’s when you realize that you actually am because life is just too hectic and fast paced to let you sit and wallow in self pity and misery. I guess for most of us, we are aware that time will heal everything and better still gives you amnesia.
However the same cannot be said when it comes to my attachment with HOSPIS. Well although most of the patients are pretty much stable, who is to predicts one’s faith? Each time I complete my job in HOSPIS and leave for home, I do it with a heavy heart. I pray pretty hard that I’ll see the same patients again next week. The unhappiness lasts… Well at the start of my job, I was forewarned not to have any emotional attachments especially towards the patients.
Unfortunately it’s easier said than done. Tears wells up even thinking about it. Each time before I leave the place, patients hug me and say “I hope to be able to see you next week”. Simple words but the value of it is far greater than 200 roses, diamonds and attention a guy can shower a girl. How we take things for granted, our life included. There is nothing better than to defer HOship till next year, continuing my work in HOSPIS. The only setback is not knowing when is the next available induction program. If things were done the old way, I would definitely have continued my work in HOSPIS at least for another few months or so. We have the next 30 to 40 years of career life. So I pretty much never understood those who are ever so eager to start.
Well my parents were claiming that I can go back anytime when I am free. True but will the same patients be around? Having joined HOSPIS, one will tell you that the problems we have be it break ups, financial crisis, work related stress can only be so trivial to what these patients may be going through. None of them knows if they are around tomorrow but yet each choose to live life to the fullest and with joy. It shames the rest of us that choose to dwell in our earthly worries. They cannot undo their illness but we can reciprocate on our problems and worries. I met someone who was planning her funeral, the clothes that she was going to wear and guest list!! To her, it’s the work of GOD’s hands as she was able to prepare her family emotionally for her passing on. The same cannot be said for us can we?
p/s: some asked why I don’t comment as much about my freelancing job. Well cause there is nothing to be said….